Confused

Confused

Mom told me that she could not afford my tution at RMIT unless my sister gave up her dream of going to LHP.

I was terrified. Speechless. Numb. Empty-minded. Confused.

What now? I don’t want my sister to give up her dream, but I don’t want to give up mine as well. Not that my dream is going to RMIT, but to make acquaintance with well-off people, gaining more social influence and well, living a new life.

My sister has always wanted to go to Yale. She is very smart. She is good at Maths, Physics, Chemistry. She is tall with long dark hair. She has the most beautiful smile. Her smile lightens up everything. She is my hope. I want her to have what I couldn’t have.

I hate money. Money decides everything. Money decides which school you go to, which hospital you go to, what clothes you can wear, what books you can read, what cellphones you can use. That’s why I love money. It decides everything, therefore, the more money you have, the more control you have. Then I decide everything.

Now what? I don’t want to go to those so-typical universites which are strictly controlled by the goverment. I want to be free, to do things I like. I’ve been going to enough that types of schools in my life. My high school which is also my nightmare, teaches me nothing but how to be reserved. I am forever hiding in my shell. I am confused.

To be honest, although going to a high school for gifted, my maths is terrible. I am not able to pass the college entrance exam. That’s the main reason why I want to attend RMIT. The minor reason is I hate conventional schools. Most of my friends want to go to FTU. Mom said if only I were normal like other people, only if I wanted to take the BIG exam, so many “only ifs”.

I don’t want to be normal, mom. I want to be weird. I want to go to RMIT because no one in my school, no one I’ve known has ever been there. I want to be different. Just like when I decided to go to CLA while none of my secondary school’s classmates did. I want to be that unique girl.

I should try harder. To beat those students from such respectable high schools in HCMC. I should. To win the full ride. The grand scholarship. I should.

 

Lost

Lost

I’m confused and angry with myself. I made plans, promises, but still I did nothing.

I want to change my life. I want to be admired, praised, flattered by people, but I did nothing to make that happen.

Who can I blame but my own self. My laziness, my over-opstimistic attitude about my future, about my family’s care for me.

Nothing lasts forever. I keep telling myself that but I never realize that I depend on my family too much.

Lately, I’ve been reading so many romance novels, especially the historical ones, most of, no, actually all of them have some steamy, hot, erotic scenes.

Undountedly, I like it. Those wealthy, vulnerable, sensitive, proud, caring dukes, viscounts, or CEOs, well, stuff like that, make me feel wanted. Weird? No, not weird at all. I want to meet a man like that. I want to fix him, make him feel loved. Women’s instinct: motherhood. However, the chances of me meeting a man like that, or whether there is any man like that, are zero. They are fictions, romantic fictions. They are written for girls, women like me, people who dream of having something that they know they would never have.

Anyway, now I don’t know if I should take TOEFL or IELTS. RMIT’s admission only requires one of them. Maybe I will choose TOEFL, although I prefer IELTS. Well then, I will learn IELTS by myself and take a TOEFL course at VUS. The self-study thing is quite challenging because I never pay all my attention to sometthing, but I will try again. Tomorrow. If I can wake up before 8am

Oh, the damn Math thing! Mathematics is absolutely not to my liking, especially geometry. I have no clue what it is, and why I have to spend my time learning it instead of watching films or reading books. What a waste of time and effort! 

Well, after 11 years going to school, I learn that sometimes, or often you must do thing you hate, nevertheless you wish the opposite, you still have to comply all those social rules.

Vietnam’s education is really disappointing. I want to leave the country so bad, but my famly…is here. Though I command myself to leave as soon as I graduate college, or university like Vietnamese people prefer to call. My sister must leave too, she deserves going to a good college, or a university. Damnation, to sum up, she deserves better higher education.

The social convention again, I need to lose weight, I am too fat. It’s not good for my health. I eat a lot. I stay up very late. I dont excercise enough. Now I need to fix myself first before thinking of fixing anyone else.

I’m listening to the Beatles at the moment.

Have I been wandering for too long? Will I be able to keep up with my long standing rival, who is about to get an IELTS score at least 6.5, or higher as everyone expects her to? Where will I be? How will I accomodate myself in life? Will I fit in? Will I be the black sheep again? All alone, no friends like now? 

In a world full of strangers, I long for a company, someone to trust, to share, to be in my life. My family cannot be with forever, my sister will soon have her own life to worry about, she already is. Is it plausible that I need a friend although my mom said I can be just fine by myself? She doesn’t have many, or any friend at all. I don’t want to be like her, but I dont want to be like father. He has too many friends that he rarely worry about his own family, most of his friends are not really friends in the way I see them. My friends, I dont know, my acquaintances are far too pretentous. It sickens me.Can they just be honest with me and tell me if there is anything about me which is irritating or annoying? They can be each other’s good friends? Why leave me out? Because I’m fat?

I’m too tired from thinking, and typing. I’m going to read my collection of adult fiction now.

Tomorrow will just be the same, or will any change come?

Oh, I’ve been listening to many not-very-mainstream artists on

Youtube. They’re very soothing and relaxing and well, comforting.

Recommended: Daughter, Fink, The White Birch, Soley, Lucia

And Tom Odell‘s Another Love is really good. He drugs me with his voice, and his look as well.